As the months passed, weird things started to happen whenever I was upset. Mostly, I thought I was having conversations with myself until the thoughts began giving themselves names and my step-mother would ask me about them in between insults at the dinner table. Freaked out by my own mind and having to deal with my step-mother, my dad put me into therapy. My first therapist taught me how to create and go into my “special place” whenever my step-mother started in on me. This turned into me staring at the gray phone hanging on the wall between her and my dad and keeping silent while she and my step siblings verbally assaulted me. My special place became the vast plain with the lost souls and spirits also trying to find their place.
One winter night, after an especially brutal dinner, I sulked into my bedroom and stared at the moon through the well-window. Leaning the back of my head against my bed, I let my mind wander to the plain, hoping to find the man I first saw there. As I took a deep breath in, I feel the smooth baritone of the man I met before ask, “Are you ready?” Jerking toward his voice, I noticed that I was back on the plain with the well and tree behind me and the man was standing there holding out his hand for me to join him, just as he was all those months before. Feeling my bubble of excitement quickly turn into anger, I burst out with, “Where have you been!? I have been coming back here for months looking for you.” Staring at him with all my insolence as a fourteen year old girl.
“I never left,” he said calmly. Still holding his hand out to me.
“What do you mean, you never left? I have been back on this plain many times with only the flickering shadows and lights around me.” Forgetting they were souls and spirits.
“Then you haven’t been here.” Slowly lowering his hand down to his side.
I sank to my knees, burying my face in my hands, What is happening to me? Feeling him stare at me, I kept my head down.
“Come on.” Reaching out his hand a few minutes later, “Walk with me.”
Without trying to stop the tears from running down my face, I turn to look at him. Staring into his lavender eyes I ask, “Who are you?”
Ignoring my question, he pulls his hand to his side and begins walking away from me.
Grabbing the edge of his sleeve, “Are you going to answer me?” Trying to take the control my therapist told me I have.
Stopping, he looks at me with an unnatural brightness, “Yes, I will answer you.” Feeling his answer more as a vibration through my chest than a thought gliding through my mind.
Checking my attitude against his response, “I have more questions since we last saw each other. Other things have been happening since I was first here.” Hurrying to my feet.
“Tell me about them.” He said calmly, starting to walk again. “I’m interested to hear what’s been happening since we last met.” Smiling at me like a patient grandfather.
“I don’t even know where to begin.” Breaking eye contact to look at the ground for a starting point. Searching my mind for where to start, I notice that what I thought was grass wasn’t and it wasn’t anything I’d ever seen before.
“The ground is different here?” Looking up into his patient face.
“Focus, child,” he said gently. “Tell me what’s been happening.”
Taking a deep breath to figure out where to begin, I hear myself start rambling about school and home. Letting everything come out in a rush before he could stop me. But, he never did interrupt me nor did he seem annoyed. When I finally got to the thoughts that were naming themselves, he looked at me curiously before asking, “What names did they give you?”
Using my fingers for emphasis, I said, “Nemesis, Fate, and God.” As I moved out of arm’s reach.
“You’ve been busy,” he said. Smiling over at me.
Relieved and confused that he wasn’t mad, I slowly moved back towards him, “What does all this mean?”
“You’ll figure that part out. For now, let’s get back to who’s been talking to you.”
“What about you?” Still trying to gain that control my therapist told my I have. “ Who are you and why is this happening to me?” Looking at him as we walked.
Vowing not to speak before he answered. I listened to the thoughts going through my mind. There’s nothing here. Seeing a shadow flicker out of the corner of my eye, except the weird flickering shadows and light. Rolling my eyes, I look over at the man I’m walking with. I feel the calmest with him. Whoever he is, I wish I he was the one I would always connect with when I’m here or upset.
Meeting my eyes, he softly says, “I’m Chaos.”
Bursting out in laughter, “You’re Chaos?” Catching my breath, “No way, Nemesis told me you’re the Devil.” Waving away his admission. “Besides, you’re way too calm to be considered Chaos.” Shaking my head, “Who are you really?”
Noticing that he stopped walking, I stopped to look back at him. Still grinning at what he said, I start to see his mouth move but I couldn’t hear him. Quickly walking over to him, he asked me, “Nemesis told you I was the Devil?” Feeling the lie settle in my gut, I nod in agreement.
With a deep sigh, he says “I’m not the Devil, child. But … you will meet him.”
Feeling my heart seize in dread, I look up at him, “What do you mean, I have to meet the Devil?”
Looking over my shoulder before slowly meeting my eyes to say, “Because you’re the opportunity I’ve been waiting for.”
Stunned. I start to feel fear crawl up my belly “I’m the opportunity you’ve been waiting for?” Hysterics masking my fear. “So, these named thoughts are not just my thoughts? My imagination?” Feeling myself start to tremble.
Watching him nod in agreement. I stand there stunned. Wanting desperately to sit down and think about what Chaos just said, I notice a park bench a few feet away. Looking over at him in surprise.
“I didn’t put that there.” He said, pleasantly surprised.
Still trembling, I began walking towards the bench to sit down. Meeting me there at the same time, we sat down in unison. As I looked out into nothing, I could see the tree faintly glowing in the distance. “I didn’t think we walked that far.” Turning to look at Chaos’.
With a dismissive “Hmmm.” He continued to stare out into the plain.
Overwhelmed, I suddenly felt tears fill my eyes. Trying not to blink so they wouldn’t fall, I began to feel warmth radiating from my left shoulder. Shocked at the feeling, I looked over to see his hand touching me. Looking up to meet his eyes, he says, “I’m Chaos, child. The creator of all that exists.” Searching my eyes for a reaction, he continues, “I am the core of all that is.” And then he looked up to the swirling charcoal and lavender sky, “That’s me. This …” Running a hand along his body, “Is so I can connect with you.” Looking back into my eyes.
“That’s you?” Breaking eye contact to look up at the sky. “But — “ Looking back into his lavender eyes. “Oh … “ Seeing how the color of his eyes matched the lavender in the sky. “Then … then this isn’t my mind.” Feeling my heart drop like a stone into my gut.
“This is very much happening in your mind.” Pulling his hand off my shoulder.
“But, I’m supposed to be in control of my mind.” Starting to panic, I switch topics, “Is this why I can’t get trees here?” Standing up to pace in front of him. “My therapist said that I am in control of my mind and that I can create whatever I want because this is mine. I’m supposed to be in control here.” Sobbing with rage. I stand up and scream into the emptiness, “What’s happening to me!?”
Taking a step towards me, I back away. “No.” Holding up my hands. “Tell me what I need to know.” Still trying to get control of my emotions.
“Come back and take a seat.” And just like that, there’s another park bench behind my knees.
“How’d ya do that?” Too stunned to argue, I slowly sat down.
“I’m Chaos,” he repeated. Pride making his eyes twinkle.
“Then … how did I do that?” Thinking of what happened a few minutes before. Feeling everything go still within me, I look into his deep lavender eyes and say, “I don’t even know what being Chaos means. You’re Chaos.” Throwing up my hands in frustration. “If you mean that my mind and how I feel inside is chaos then yes, I wholeheartedly agree. But, you’re not chaos. You’re a man. In my mind. That is somehow not my mind.” Dropping my head in my hands. What is happening to me? “Where am I?” Looking up to Chaos as he sat down next to me.
“This … “ Spreading his arms wide, “is the underworld. Or, as some of you call it, Hell.” Pride ringing through his baritone as he looked over at me.
“Of course I’m in hell.” Suddenly exhausted. “That is the one thing that makes sense here.” Without warning, I’m suddenly back in my bedroom stiff on the floor. Crawling to lay in bed, I struggle to get warm. Feeling my body relax as I got warm, I felt the question, “Are you ready to listen?” Press through my mind.
“You’re here with me!?” Burying my face into my pillow; trying to get away so I could process what was going on.
“I’m always with you.” he said patiently. “I’m the core of all that exists.”
Feeling like he was sitting on my bed next to me, I turned my head to where I felt he was. After a few minutes of staring at where I felt he was but looking at my dresser, I whisper, “I’m ready to listen.” Immediately emotions began surging through my body and I was hugging my pillow with the same intensity. As my emotions rolled through me I began feeling his emotions mingling with mine. As our emotions began rolling together like waves in open water, I started feeling nauseous. Unable to break the connection, I rolled with each wave and felt my body respond with waves of its own. Everything was moving to fast for words but I intuitively knew we were communicating. He was telling me everything I needed to know to start my journey. Except he was speaking to me in a language I didn’t understand which kept me from cogently understanding his message until I wrote this post.
“Fuck, Chaos. That took me nearly twenty-six years to figure out.” Staring at what I’d just written.
“But, you figured it out,” said Chaos. Stopping his pacing to squeeze my shoulder.
“I figured it out.” Feeling the warmth of his pride radiate throughout my body.
Listen below for the Old Cherokee Story of the two wolves that live within each of us (PSST, it has a different ending), and how to use the wolves on your own journey.
Ready for more? Click HERE for Part 1: Post 3.