When you’re coming out of an abusive relationship, it’s like the fog has been lifted and you’re not even sure who you are. Everything in your world has been twisted in such a way that you question if you’re hungry, tired, or sad.
Feelings that you haven’t felt in a such a long time come rushing through you and it’s hard to decipher what is yours and what is left over from the abuse: “Am I really feeling this way or is this what I was told to feel?”. This is a scary time, and when you’re isolated from everyone who you thought you could count on, it can make you scared to go outside by yourself.
You’re at rock bottom, the solid foundation from which you stand from. But, before you can stand you have to relearn your six hardwired emotions:
- Anger, and
When you think of babies, think of the emotions they express immediately outside the womb. Know that you have everything you need to heal and stand again within you.
Starting the Healing process
The healing process of emotional abuse is brutal because not only do you have to relearn everything, you have to identify what parts of yourself the abuser latched onto to weaken and destroy you. This is the dark part. You are not to blame for the abuse. In no way should anyone be abused. No one should ever have their weaknesses and higher emotions exploited for the perverse satisfaction of power and control over someone. There is something inhuman about abusers. However, you are responsible for never attracting another abuser into your life again. It’s up to you to break your cycle of abuse.
When I discovered that I was emotionally abused by the people who I thought loved and cared about me the most, I crumpled to the floor. My daughter watched me pound the floor and sob as I succumbed to the pain I had never felt before. I had no idea what I was going to do because the people I would normally turn to were the people who put me in that position.
I crawled into my bedroom and told my daughter that I had to get all this out to figure out what I was going to do. All my baby could do was watch me crawl into my bed and listen to me sob. I began having memories of conversations that I had with people last week to over twenty years ago, and they were all about preparing for this moment. The moment when I discovered that I was being emotionally abused and had been for most of my life. I discovered that when I was under emotional and psychological attack, I would automatically dissociate from the present moment. This is the result of the severe emotional and psychological abuse I endured as a teenager. Apparently, my survival skill kept me from noticing what was happening in adulthood too. I never remembered having the conversations while I was dissociated until I broke down. I had the foresight to create memories from these conversations otherwise, I would have likely been committed.
If that wasn’t bad enough these “loving and caring” people gave me directions, such as having me email them, text them, and meeting them places so I would know that what was happening was “real.”
I think they forgot what they told me or believed it was all a joke. Regardless, I had to consciously re-live through everything my subconscious initially protected me from. I had to do what I was told otherwise I would stay stuck where I was. I’ve been to Hell, and it’s Chaos.
Being an observer of your abuse
So much of my emotional abuse has been normalized through school and the military that I had to go through every layer of abuse to find my center. I was on a mission to get back to my true self, and that goal got me out of bed. Getting my daughter to school and making her dinner gave me stability. In between those times, I paced the length of my apartment, drinking tea, and reliving the conversations. The conversations were puzzle pieces into my psyche.
As a teenager, I became interested in the spiritual world and discovering the origin of my soul through past life regressions. The results of those regressions became apart of the narrative going through my mind. The conversations I had with people and the revelations of my regressions became intertwined into a story that brought everything from my unconscious into my conscious.
I am lucky to have friends who truly care and love me because they nurtured me and cared for Grace while I went through the worst of it; they never questioned me, just supported and believed in me. They believed that I would get through whatever was going on within my mind. Their love and support gave me the strength and focus to get through the worst of it because I didn’t have to worry about Grace; she was taken care of, and I was safe from people manipulating me for kicks.
A year before my breakdown I went to a psychic, and she helped me a lot. She could see everything that was going to happen, and she was able to talk me through the worst of it. She also helped me fill in the blanks for things to make sense. This dissociative state must be the same state psychics use to connect with the spirit world, except she had never experienced anything like this before and I’m not psychic. I wish I would have remembered my conversation with the psychic before my breakdown rather than during. I don’t think knowing would have stopped it, but I may have been able to control more of what happened and not fallen victim to other people’s manipulations of me.
I began studying what was going on in my mind by becoming an observer to my thoughts. I was able to tell how old I was depending on where I was in my story, what was being said and to whom plus, by the connections that were made. I was able to hear how I would go from future to present but it was all in the past because it was a memory. I’m still not 100% clear on what happened and what I did but I know my empathy has expanded and my self-awareness has multiplied as a result.
I now know that emotional and psychological abuse is insidious and affects everyone. I understand my frustration with the self-help movement and the people who neglect half of who they are under the guise that if they smile, have gratitude, and think happy thoughts all the darkness will go away and the world will be a better place.
Your darkness leads to your light
The darkness will never go away because dark is the root of light.
Without darkness, no living creature would survive.
Think about it.
All living creatures on this planet need darkness, some creatures total darkness, but nothing needs total light to survive. Nothing survives in direct sunlight 24/7.
I question the lightworkers who believe all is better in the light. I question the belief that all souls come from the light too. I look at the trend of the self-help movement coinciding with the rise in depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. The more people talk about the light, the more depressed people seem to get.
I believe emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse is a light problem; when you believe that light comes from dark, then the belief that the dark wants power over the light doesn’t make sense. Why would the dark need power over when it was the dark that created light?
When I talk about darkness, I’m not talking about evil. Evil is the crime against humanity, i.e., murder, sadism, pedophilia, rape. Evil is about power over someone because they are weak.
The dark is where your roots are. In life, childhood is the root of our adulthood which is why we repeat childhood relationship patterns in adulthood.
To understand why you are the way you today, you have to look back at where you came from. Once you follow your roots down, you’re able to see how you were manipulated and abused in adulthood. It then becomes up to you to change what is causing you harm to heal and grow.